Finding Strength in the Face of Anticipatory Grief: A Family’s Journey
When faced with anticipatory grief, finding a support system that understands and helps navigate the storm is crucial. When Alan was diagnosed with a brain tumour, the lives of his wife Ellen and their sons Henry and Alex changed dramatically. The boys, then aged 15 and 13, faced the daunting reality of their father’s illness. Alan died in 2023.
Ellen shares her family’s journey through anticipatory grief, highlighting the support from the Ruth Strauss Foundation and its impact.
Ellen with her husband Alan and their sons in France, 2016, enjoying a family trip filled with cherished memories.
What Is Anticipatory Grief?
Anticipatory grief encompasses the emotions felt before a person dies. Both the person with incurable cancer end and their loved ones may go through a range of intense feelings. Anticipatory grief can include any range of feelings, all normal, such as shock, sadness, anger, hopelessness, frustration, guilt, love, loneliness, anxiety, shame, feeling fed up or even numbness.
These emotions can occur simultaneously or shift rapidly, and their intensity can be just as intense in the period leading up to the death as after the bereavement. It’s important to recognise that experiencing anticipatory grief does not diminish the grief felt after the loss. Furthermore, it is also completely normal if not everyone experiences these emotions beforehand.
How Can the Ruth Strauss Foundation Help Families Cope with Anticipatory Grief?
Coping with anticipatory grief involves acknowledging these emotions and seeking support from loved ones or professional organisations like the Ruth Strauss Foundation. The Foundation provides essential guidance to families, helping them navigate difficult conversations and manage the emotional challenges of incurable illness.
Whether through counselling or peer support groups, the Foundation is dedicated to helping families cope with anticipatory grief while preparing for the future. Reach out to the Ruth Strauss Foundation for pre-bereavement support and resources to help with anticipatory grief.
Alan with Henry and Alex about to leave for a family trip to Australia, 2019.
A Sporting Family United by Love
Ellen’s family life was vibrant and filled with activities that brought them closer together. In particular, sports played a significant role in their bonding. Alan, a lifelong Manchester United fan, instilled a love for sports in their two sons. The family spent countless hours attending sporting events, with cricket and football at the heart of their fondest memories.
“We travelled a lot as a family, visited art galleries, cinemas, and watched a lot of films together,” Ellen recalls. “But sport was the thing that we did that created really fond, happy memories.”
Alan’s passion for sports extended to watching every Manchester United game, no matter where they were. Cricket, particularly The Ashes, turned into a beloved family event, with everyone waking early to watch together. Ultimately, this love for sports forged a strong family bond that later provided strength during times of anticipatory grief.
The Unexpected Turn: Alan’s Diagnosis
Life took an unexpected turn one Sunday morning when Alan returned from cricket training with their sons. Ellen noticed something was off when Alan struggled to speak coherently. At first, they suspected a stroke, but the family soon learned it was something far more severe—a brain tumour.
“Alan’s speech started to improve but didn’t fully recover,” Ellen shares. “After numerous tests and an MRI, we were moved to the neurology department where we learned it wasn’t a stroke. Eventually, it was confirmed that Alan had a brain tumour.”
Coping with Anticipatory Grief and Diagnosis
The diagnosis was a devastating blow. Moreover, Ellen and Alan had to confront the reality of his illness and the limited time they had left. The primary concern was how to break the news to their children and offer support during the anticipatory grief journey. “The first thing that hit us both very quickly were the children,” Ellen recalls. “What on earth are we going to say to the children?”
The Ruth Strauss Foundation: A Beacon of Support
Amidst the turmoil, a friend recommended the Ruth Strauss Foundation, an organisation dedicated to supporting families facing incurable cancer and providing support for anticipatory grief and pre-bereavement. Fortunately, Ellen reached out through the website and found the process really straightforward.
“The Ruth Strauss Foundation became a crucial part of our support system,” Ellen says. For instance, “We discussed how to handle conversations with our children and received invaluable guidance on navigating the emotional landscape of Alan’s illness.”
How Anticipatory Grief Counselling Helped the Family
The Foundation’s support extended beyond the initial conversation and Ellen and Allan had multiple sessions. “We found these conversations incredibly valuable for us. In fact, they really supported us and our process, which made a huge difference. I just felt confident. Moreover, it was great because we were talking to someone who had experience with these sorts of issues, who supported other families before and could really help.”
The Foundation’s counselling services provided the family with the support they needed to prepare for Alan’s death and to deal with the anticipatory grief they were already experiencing.
”"The Ruth Strauss Foundation became a crucial part of our support system. We discussed how to handle conversations with our children and received invaluable guidance on navigating the emotional landscape of Alan's illness."
EllenMother of Henry & Alex
Sharing the News: A Day of Reflection and Togetherness
When it was time to tell their children about Alan’s diagnosis, Ellen and Alan planned it carefully with the support of the Ruth Strauss Foundation. “We told the children on a Saturday morning, gathering them in the kitchen to explain what was happening and what was going to happen,” Ellen recalls. “We were really factual about it all and took our time to answer their questions.”
Navigating Difficult Conversations with Support from the Ruth Strauss Foundation
Ellen shares, “It was an incredible shock for the kids to get that information that their dad was going to die. Earlier, they knew he had some issues, but they didn’t realise it was that serious.”
After they spoke with the children about Alan’s diagnosis, the family spent the day walking through London and visiting an art fair.
The support from the Ruth Strauss Foundation was instrumental in helping the family process the situation with greater clarity. It gave them the strength and the right words to explain the difficult reality of Alan’s illness to their children, preparing them for the conversations about their father’s incurable cancer.
”"It was such a great thing to do when you've had news like that, to just walk together quietly, chatting about the art but also reflecting on everything."
EllenMother of Henry & Alex
Proactive Support: Preparing for the Inevitable
Ellen emphasises the importance of proactive support for children dealing with a parent’s incurable cancer. By openly and honestly talking to children about the parent’s diagnosis, death and dying, the children are shown how to share their questions, worries and thoughts rather than internalise them.
“Pre-bereavement support is incredibly important,” Ellen states. “When someone has a terminal illness diagnosis, it’s unbelievably disruptive to everyone, it’s like a bomb going off in your family.”
Ongoing Anticipatory Grief Support for Families
The Ruth Strauss Foundation’s approach of continuous guidance and counselling from diagnosis to after bereavement proved invaluable. Indeed, Ellen found that this consistent support helped the whole family cope with the period leading up to and immediately after Alan’s death.
”"Pre-bereavement support is incredibly important. When someone has a terminal illness diagnosis, it's unbelievably disruptive to everyone, it's like a bomb going off in your family."
EllenMother of Henry & Alex
The Value of Peer Support Groups for Teenagers
Henry, Ellen’s eldest son, found significant comfort in the peer support groups offered by the Ruth Strauss Foundation. At first, he was hesitant, but Henry grew to appreciate the safe space these sessions provided, allowing him to connect with other children facing similar experiences.
“Henry wasn’t initially excited about the peer support groups,” Ellen recalls. “But once he attended, he found them incredibly beneficial and attended all of them. The online format and also the presence of other children dealing with similar issues made it easier for him to open up.”
Breaking the Taboo: Why Open Conversations with Children Matter
Ellen’s experience clearly underscores the societal taboo around discussing death and dying, particularly with children. As a result, many families struggle with how to approach these difficult topics. However, by providing a safe space for these conversations, and with the Foundation’s guidance, parents can help children understand and express their emotions so they can be openly discussed and processed together as a family.
Talking with Children About Death and Dying
When having difficult conversations with young children, especially about death and dying, it’s normal for them to shift quickly from sadness or overwhelming feelings to wanting to do something else, and is often referred to as “puddle jumping”. They may seem unaffected or as if they’ve forgotten the previous emotion.
In the context of children, anticipatory grief can manifest as these emotional shifts. Children may not always express their feelings in ways that adults expect, and their processing of emotions may seem to come and go in waves.
The Ruth Strauss Foundation’s anticipatory grief counselling and family support services helped Ellen discuss death and dying with her children, which gave them a sense of understanding and emotional relief as they navigated this challenging time.
”"There's a huge taboo around death and dying. Many people didn't know what to say to us, and I think children especially struggle with this. They need safe spaces to talk about their feelings."
EllenMother of Henry & Alex
Family Dynamics and the Impact of Anticipatory Grief Counselling
Ellen reflects on her family’s journey, acknowledging their advantages but also recognising the challenges faced by families with fewer resources. “We were fortunate in many ways,” Ellen admits. Yet, “I often think about families who don’t have the same level of support. It’s incredibly difficult to navigate these challenges without a strong support system.”
Bridging the Gap for Families in Need of Anticipatory Grief Counselling
The Ruth Strauss Foundation aims to bridge this gap by providing support and anticipatory grief counselling to all families, regardless of their circumstances. Moreover, it offers peer support groups for both adults and teenagers. Additionally, it provides printed resources to help families manage the various challenges of incurable cancer and prepare for bereavement.
The Promise of Honesty and Creating Lasting Memories
Ellen and Alan made a heartfelt promise to their children to keep them informed and involved throughout Alan’s illness. As a result, this transparency provided much-needed reassurance and stability during a tumultuous time.
Ellen explains, “We promised the children we would always be honest with them, which gave them a sense of security.”
How Anticipatory Grief Counselling Helps Create Memories
By maintaining open communication, the family was able to create positive, lasting memories even as they faced Alan’s cancer progressing. For instance, whether it was celebrating with a lively house party, watching their sons play cricket, attending music concerts, or simply enjoying quiet moments together, these shared experiences offered comfort and a sense of normalcy.
Ellen reflects, “Alan talked a lot about how he wanted his remaining time to be filled with love. I believe that creating all those meaningful memories truly helped Henry and Alex. Now, they can look back on their time with their dad, remembering it as being filled with love and happiness.”
”"We promised the children we would always be honest with them, and that gave them a sense of security."
EllenMother of Henry & Alex
A Legacy of Support and Moving Forward
“The Foundation’s family support was invaluable,” Ellen reflects. “Not only did they help us create a plan and navigate difficult conversations, but they also provided a safe space for our children to express their feelings.“
She further shares, “My sons, Henry and Alex saw that Ruth had two boys who had been through this. They saw pictures of them growing up, being okay, at school, and living their lives, and I guess felt some comfort in that.”
Inspiring Families to Seek Anticipatory Grief Counselling
By sharing her family story, Ellen hopes to inspire others to seek support and to emphasise the work of the Ruth Strauss Foundation in transforming lives through compassionate care.
“We are really grateful to Ruth for having the idea of creating the charity, grateful to her family for putting the foundation together and carrying it forward, and finally grateful to her sons who are an inspiration to other children, showing that everything will be okay,” Ellen shares.
Continuing the Journey with Strength and Purpose
As Ellen and her family move forward, they carry with them the lessons and support they gained during their journey. Moreover, they are committed to continuing the legacy of support by advocating for awareness and education on anticipatory grief. By raising awareness, they hope no family faces these challenges alone.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the Ruth Strauss Foundation?
The Ruth Strauss Foundation focuses on supporting families coping with the death of a parent, particularly addressing the needs of children. The Foundation offers resources, guidance, and support to help families navigate the emotional and practical challenges associated with incurable cancer.
It also aims to support research into the diagnosis, treatment, and cure of people affected by non-smoking lung cancers.
How can the Ruth Strauss Foundation help my family deal with incurable cancer?
The Foundation offers a range of support services, including counselling, peer support groups, and resources for families facing incurable cancer and anticipatory grief. Its experienced team offers guidance on navigating difficult conversations with children, managing emotional challenges, and accessing practical support. For more information and assistance, please visit our Family Support Services.
Why is anticipatory grief support important?
Anticipatory grief support is crucial because it helps families prepare emotionally and mentally for the loss of a loved one. Additionally, it provides a space for families to process emotions, plan ahead, and create meaningful memories together.
How do I tell my children about my cancer?
Telling your children about a parent’s incurable cancer requires both honesty and sensitivity. Begin by using age-appropriate language to clearly explain the situation while reassuring them of your ongoing support. Moreover, encourage questions and openly express your feelings to foster understanding. For further support, reach out to the Ruth Strauss Foundation for personalised guidance here. You can also download free resources right here.