There is no “Right” Way
When the Festive Season Feels Harder Than Expected
The festive season can be one of the most emotionally complex times of the year for families living with an incurable illness. Whether this is your first festive season without someone you love, or a time when you are living alongside serious illness and uncertainty about the future, it can bring a mix of feelings that are hard to put into words.
Many parents tell us that it is not always the festive days themselves that feel hardest – but the weeks leading up to them. The build-up, the expectations, the questions from others and the pressure to feel a certain way can feel confusing and overwhelming. There is no “right” way to experience this time. Some days may feel heavy and painful, while others may feel surprisingly ordinary. All of these responses are valid.
Navigating This Time of the Year
Whatever You’re Feeling Is Valid
The days and weeks before the festive days can often feel more intense than the days themselves. Anticipation, memory and uncertainty can sit alongside everyday life, creating emotional ups and downs.
You may notice moments of sadness arriving unexpectedly or feel torn between wanting to mark the season and wanting to avoid it altogether. This inner conflict is common. Try to remind yourself that there is no correct emotional response during the festive season – allowing space for whatever you are feeling can be a powerful form of self-care.
Making Space for Choice
It’s Okay to Do Things Differently This Year
One of the most helpful things families tell us is having permission to decide, in advance, what feels right for them.
You may find it helpful to talk together about:
- What feels important to keep this year.
- What traditions feel too difficult right now.
- Whether you want a quiet day, a short visit, or something entirely different.
Having a loose plan can help children feel safer, as it gives them a sense of what to expect. It is also okay to change that plan if your energy or emotions shift. The festive days do not have to look like they always have.
Involving children in these conversations – in age-appropriate ways – can help them feel included and valued and reassures them that their feelings matter too.
Holding On to Connection
Finding Ways to Remember Someone You Love
Some families find comfort in incorporating a small, new tradition to honour the loved one who has died. Inviting children to take part in these moments can help them feel connected and supported, while also showing them that it is okay to remember and to feel.
This might be something simple, such as:
- Lighting a candle at a chosen moment
- Setting a place at the table in their memory
- Listening to a song that they liked
- Sharing a favourite story or moment together
- Visiting a place they loved
”"The thing that has stuck with me and gave me the most strength was to live in the hope. You know, you can always hope for something, even if it's the smallest thing."
Anushka
Everyday Stability
Small Routines Can Bring Comfort
The festive season often disrupts everyday routines, which can make emotions feel harder to manage. Where possible, keeping small, familiar patterns – regular meals, bedtimes or quiet moments – can bring a sense of steadiness and comfort.
Caring for yourself during this time is not selfish. Parents and carers are often holding a great deal emotionally, and even small acts of self-care can make a difference. This might be stepping outside for fresh air, taking a short break from social commitments, or simply allowing yourself to rest.
Letting Go of Expectations
You Don’t Have to Do Everything
You do not need to accept every invitation, attend every event or meet anyone else’s expectations of what the festive season should be.
Give yourself permission to say no, to change your mind, and to do only what feels manageable. Being kind to yourself is one of the most important things you can do – for you and for your family.
Support
We’re Here to Help
If you are living with an incurable illness, or caring for a partner who is, the Ruth Strauss Foundation is here to support you. Our Family Support Service offers free, confidential one-to-one support and guidance to help parents talk with their children, process emotions and feel less alone during this time.
You can also explore our free resources, including guides and practical tools to support conversations with children and understand anticipatory grief.
However the festive season looks for you, know that you do not have to navigate it alone. We are here for families facing one of life’s toughest tests – today and throughout the festive season.
