RSF Ambassador: Nigel Harman’s Personal Journey with the Ruth Strauss Foundation
We mostly know Nigel Harman as an accomplished actor in TV shows like EastEnders and his appearance on the BBC’s Strictly Come Dancing. In 2024, he also became an ambassador for the Ruth Strauss Foundation (RSF), raising awareness and advocating for families dealing with anticipatory grief and lung cancer. Here, he shares why he decided to become the ambassador for this cause, revealing his personal connection to the Foundation.
Why Did Nigel Harman Decide to Become a Ruth Strauss Foundation Ambassador?
Nigel Harman became an ambassador for the Ruth Strauss Foundation because its mission resonates with his personal experiences. When he was 15, his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and she died when he was 17. Those difficult years lacked pre-bereavement support, which could have helped him understand the situation and process his emotions.
As he shares: “The Ruth Strauss Foundation represents something very close to my heart, because it supports families who’ve lost a parent too soon. That was my experience, and it was incredibly difficult. Now, looking back, I realise how valuable the Foundation’s support would have been during my teenage years.”
Understanding Pre-Bereavement and Anticipatory Grief
Pre-bereavement refers to the period leading up to the bereavement, typically when a loved one is diagnosed with an incurable illness. Anticipatory grief is the emotional response experienced during this time, as individuals can begin to grieve before the death occurs. These two concepts are closely linked. Pre-bereavement offers families a chance to address anticipatory grief, fostering meaningful connections. It also builds emotional resilience and helps them navigate their grief in a more open, supportive way.
Nigel shares, “Support during pre-bereavement is essential because it allows families to create meaningful connections and share magical moments in the time they have left. It’s about helping children and families stay connected to what’s happening, and making those last days, weeks, or months special.”
How His Mother’s Cancer Inspired Nigel’s Advocacy
Nigel’s life appeared to continue as normal after his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when he was 15 years old. The family seemed to act as if everything was fine. He recalls that, despite seeing signs that things were not right, parents maintained a facade of normality.
Looking back, Nigel recalls that his family struggled to communicate about his mother’s cancer. He reflects, “We didn’t have forms of communication, and my siblings and I were kept out of the loop. It seemed like something that was very much kept away from us.”
”“If I’d been able to come to the Ruth Strauss Foundation and talk, I think it would have changed my life.”
Nigel HarmanRSF Ambassador
The consequences were that he internalised his feelings and distanced himself emotionally. He describes this as entering a prolonged state of emotional numbness. “If you’d asked me to do this interview 20 years ago, I would have run,” Nigel shares. “I was unable to talk about it back then, my heart shut down for years. If I’d been able to come to the Ruth Strauss Foundation and talk, I think it would have changed my life,” he adds, reflecting on how meaningful such support would have been during his toughest years.
The Impact of Unspoken Words: Nigel’s Struggle with Grief and Isolation
Nigel Harman recalls the shock of his mother’s death, which was intensified by the lack of open communication about her illness. “I believed everything would be fine because my parents never discussed the severity of her condition,” he recalls. He remembers a family friend saying, “We all knew she was going to die, but we didn’t think it would be so soon.” Confused, Nigel thought, “I didn’t know she was going to die.”
The absence of conversations about his mother’s condition left Nigel and his siblings to cope with their grief alone. “We didn’t talk about it at all—we lived our grief in isolation. Each of us dealt with it separately because there was no open communication from the start,” he shares. This lack of transparency created an emotional disconnect and made processing his grief much harder.
Nigel appreciates the need for open conversations about death and dying to help break the taboo around these topics. He believes RSF provides a crucial platform for these discussions. “So much can come out of that conversation, so much connectivity and love can be born from the fact that we can just talk about the reality that we are going to die at some point,” Nigel shares.
”All these experiences - the lack of communication and losing my mother without understanding what was happening - have brought me here. It’s why I’m committed to supporting the Ruth Strauss Foundation and the families they help.”
Nigel HarmanRSF Ambassador
How Can We Talk to a Child About Their Parent’s Incurable Cancer?
Healthcare professionals, counsellors, and social workers, strongly advocate for open communication with children when a parent faces an incurable illness.
Parents often want to protect their children from their cancer diagnosis especially when it’s incurable. Children can usually sense that something is wrong, and this can cause them confusion or even anxiety as when they don’t know the reason for the change in their surroundings, they can think it’s due to something they did or said.
“To have someone who can guide you on how to talk to your children or support you when you can’t even get out of bed physically and emotionally, is invaluable,” Nigel says. To help families navigate these conversations, RSF offers free resources for guidance and support, click here to access them.
”How do you sit down and talk to your kids about the fact that you're dying? It's incredibly difficult, but this is where the foundation comes in because you don't have to do that alone.”
Nigel HarmanRSF Ambassador
How Experts Advise Talking to Children About an Incurable Diagnosis
Experts recommend using age-appropriate language, avoiding vague terms like “feeling unwell”, and opting for direct statements like “Mum’s cancer is not getting better” to help children understand the reality (10 Support Steps, Jenni Thomas OBE, Grief Counsellor).
Research shows that children cope better when they receive truthful information, as it helps them understand and adapt to the situation. Including children in conversations about changes and treatments can help them feel secure and reduce fear.
How Meditation Can Help You Cope with Incurable Cancer
Meditation can be a powerful tool for those facing a terminal diagnosis or supporting a loved one through such a journey. Nigel Harman, shares, “When I’m not acting and dancing around, I practice meditation, and I teach meditation.” He emphasises that mindfulness allows individuals to stay present, even when confronted with overwhelming emotions.
Focusing on the breath and staying in the moment can prevent dissociation and help one cope with the challenges of life, especially when dealing with serious illness. “It doesn’t change what’s happening, but it gives you the confidence or peace to face it and be present with it,” he explains.
Integrating meditation and mindfulness into daily life can help navigate both joyful and difficult moments, fostering a sense of calm and resilience. It offers individuals and families a safe space to process emotions and face their challenges with greater clarity and acceptance.
Pre-Bereavement Support: A Key Mission of the Ruth Strauss Foundation
One of the core missions of the Ruth Strauss Foundation is to provide pre-bereavement support and anticipatory grief support helping families prepare for the impending death of a parent.
The Foundation’s experienced team offer personalised guidance through one-on-one sessions and peer support groups. They provide parents with tools and strategies to have open, honest conversations about an incurable diagnosis. This helps families navigate the complex emotions and fears that may arise.
The support from RSF helps parents and children create meaningful connections. It also allows them to build lasting memories during their remaining time together. This guidance nurtures emotional resilience and fosters a sense of unity during an incredibly challenging period.
Training for Healthcare Practitioners
To further support families, the Ruth Strauss Foundation also offers specialised training for health and care professionals called “No Conversation Too Tough”. This training helps practitioners develop the skills needed to guide families through pre-bereavement and anticipatory grief. The sessions focus on effective communication strategies, emotional support techniques, and the best practices for helping families cope with an incurable diagnosis. For more information or to sign up for our healthcare practitioner training, click here.
Nigel Harman’s Commitment to the Ruth Strauss Foundation Mission
Nigel Harman’s dedication to the Ruth Strauss Foundation stems from his personal experience of his mother dying at 17. The lack of communication during that time drives his advocacy for open conversations about cancer and anticipatory grief. He believes RSF offers vital support to families facing these challenges.
As an ambassador, Nigel is committed to helping families navigate pre-bereavement and face the future with resilience by “doing death well.” Additionally, he encourages UK cancer nurse specialists and palliative care nurses to join the Foundation’s “No Conversation Too Tough” training.
Nigel also invites anyone facing an incurable cancer diagnosis to reach out to the Ruth Strauss Foundation for support. He says, “It takes great courage to be vulnerable. But the Foundation offers support that can transform not only your family’s life but your own as well. That’s why I encourage you to reach out.”
”“I am incredibly proud to be an ambassador for the Ruth Strauss Foundation. The Foundation does amazing work by creating safe and welcoming spaces, both in person and online. Thanks to RSF, people can find solace and connect with others facing similar challenges. They can also access the vital emotional support they need during some of the most difficult moments of their lives.”
Nigel HarmanRSF Ambassador
