Nina’s Story Finding Love, Strength, and Clarity Amid Anticipatory Grief
For Nina, a mother of two daughters, the death of her husband Matthew from cancer in 2023 was a heartbreaking reality. Yet, with the guidance of the Ruth Strauss Foundation, she found strength, clarity, and resilience during this difficult journey. Her story demonstrates how anticipatory grief counselling can transform uncertainty into meaningful preparation, creating space for love and connection.
What Is Anticipatory Grief Counselling?
Anticipatory grief counselling, unlike traditional grief counselling that supports individuals after the death of a loved one, focuses on helping families navigate the emotional challenges before a death occurs. It offers tools to manage uncertainty, improve communication, and prepare both emotionally and practically for the inevitable, making it an essential resource for families facing incurable cancer.
For Nina, this type of counselling was invaluable. It equipped Nina to navigate her own anticipatory grief while offering guidance on how to support her daughters through some of the most challenging moments of their young lives. “I found the Ruth Strauss Foundation while googling for support,” she explained. “I think I saw them mentioned on Mumsnet, and when I visited their website, I thought, this is exactly what I was looking for.”
Finding Joy in Simple Moments
A family of four, with two daughters now aged 14 and 6, embraced the simple joys of life—cooking together, traveling to new places, and spending cherished moments outdoors. “We used to love going out for country walks, just being out in nature with our badly-behaved dog,” Nina shared. “Matthew also really loved cooking and introducing the girls to new things.” These family outings, whether it was a spontaneous trip to the coast or a quiet weekend in the countryside, provided an opportunity to bond and create lasting memories.
Nina recalled how, no matter where they went, there was always a sense of adventure and laughter. The girls, despite their differences in age, enjoyed exploring the world together, each learning from the other, with Matthew often leading the way in showing them how to appreciate the beauty in simple, everyday experiences.
A Family’s Journey Through Resilience
Nina and Matthew’s love story began in university. “He was an American exchange student, and we met through rowing,” Nina recalled. “We just made each other happy.”
Health challenges became part of their shared journey early on. Matthew was first diagnosed with a chronic condition called primary sclerosing cholangitis, a liver disease, when their eldest daughter was quite young. Before that, he had already faced another chronic illness. “As a family, we were used to him being unwell, sometimes needing hospital visits or surgery,” Nina explained. “But Matthew always treated his illness as just a minor detail in a full life.”
Years later, in 2018, Matthew’s condition worsened, requiring a liver transplant. While the surgery was successful, histology revealed early-stage cancer cells in his old liver. Despite the unexpected diagnosis, the family remained hopeful. “We had so much relief after the transplant, and even when they found the cancer, there was still a lot of hope,” Nina shared. “Matthew’s approach was always to focus on what we could do, and that gave us the strength to keep going.”
Even with cancer, the family found ways to live fully and well. Treatments like chemotherapy and surgery offered a degree of stability, allowing them to maintain a sense of normalcy in their day-to-day lives. “We were used to Matthew being in and out of the hospital,” Nina said. “He never made a big deal about it, and neither did we.”
The Diagnosis That Changed Everything
In 2021, during the COVID-19 lockdown, Matthew’s diagnosis progressed to stage 4 bile duct cancer. The news was unexpected. “We had just had dinner when Matthew got the call from his consultant,” Nina recounted. “Although there had been signs on scans, we didn’t expect to hear stage 4 cancer. It was quite devastating.”
At this point, Nina and Matthew chose not to immediately share the full extent of his prognosis with their daughters. “Matthew still had treatment options, and he was feeling well,” Nina explained. “We decided to focus on living as normally as possible while being honest at an age-appropriate level. The girls knew their dad had cancer, and we talked about how some people don’t get better, but we didn’t go into more detail at that stage.”
This decision allowed their daughters to maintain their usual lives. “We felt that once our eldest fully understood that her dad was going to die, it would change everything for her,” Nina said. “We wanted her to continue being a regular 12-year-old.”
Finding Support Through the Ruth Strauss Foundation
As Matthew’s illness progressed, Nina realised she needed support in navigating the emotional and practical challenges of his incurable diagnosis. “There’s no textbook for this,” Nina said. “My friends were wonderful, but they hadn’t been through this.
She turned to the Ruth Strauss Foundation, which provides resources and counselling for families facing the death of a loved one. “I had many unanswered questions. What should I be thinking about? How should I be approaching it? What does it look like when one of the parents is going to die?”, Nina shared. “The Foundation gave us the tools and confidence to have difficult conversations and prepare as best as we could.”
One of the most impactful resources for Nina was the Peer Support Group Sessions. “I joined the peer support group sessions, which were just amazing. They were just what I needed. It was a group with a small number of parents, who were in the same situation as me, so their partners had a terminal diagnosis too,” she shared. “Hearing their experiences, especially from those further along in their journey, helped me prepare for what was ahead.”
These sessions also provided a safe space for Nina to express her emotions. “As a caregiver, you carry so much,” she said. “If your partner has a terminal diagnosis and you are having to support them, you’re watching them become less well. You are seeing more pain. Your heart’s breaking for them. You want to do everything you can for them. You’re also trying to keep the logistics of family life going and be the emotional support for your kids. And it’s exhausting… Having a non-judgmental space to share my feelings was invaluable.”
Living with Incurable Cancer Amid Uncertainty
Despite the incurable cancer diagnosis, Nina and Matthew focused on living purposefully for as long as possible. “Matthew’s positivity made all the difference, because of his attitude, because of him being so positive. It did feel very normal for quite a long time,” Nina said. “He treated his illness as just a small detail of life and focused on enjoying each moment.”
The COVID-19 lockdown provided the family with precious time together. “We grieved for our future, but we also cherished the present,” Nina said.
This dual reality—living with incurable cancer while preparing for the inevitable—was both challenging and rewarding. “If you’re lucky enough to have that time, you can live deeply and fully, and have a wonderful time together as a family,” she said. “Anticipatory grief counselling helped us embrace those moments while preparing for what lay ahead.”
Protecting Childhood During Anticipatory Grief
For Nina, one of the greatest challenges was supporting her daughters through the process. “Each of us were heartbroken for ourselves and for each other. But more than that, it’s that absolute devastation as a parent, this fear that this is going to ruin your children’s lives,” she shared. “We wanted to mitigate the trauma as much as possible while making this period meaningful for them.”
The Foundation’s resources helped Nina understand how children process grief at different ages and provided a framework for difficult conversations.
“When it was time to talk to our eldest about Matthew’s prognosis, we used a template that balanced clarity, facts, and emotion,” Nina explained. “While it was one of the hardest conversations we’ve ever had, it went as well as it could have.”
Continuing the Journey with Anticipatory Grief Counselling
When Matthew died in 2023, Nina entered a new chapter of grief while continuing to prioritise her daughters. “I knew I was running a kind of parenting ultramarathon,” she said. “There was Matthew’s illness, his death, and then the long journey of keeping life going for the girls and me.”
The Ruth Strauss Foundation remained a pillar of support during this time, providing Nina with one-on-one counselling sessions. “The Foundation helped us keep going,” she said. “I don’t know how we would have managed without their guidance and support.”
Nina worked closely with an RSF practitioner, in individual sessions both before and after Matthew’s death. These sessions gave her space to process her emotions and develop strategies to support her daughters through their shared grief.
”"I think Matthew would be very proud of us. He’d be sad not to be here when our daughters are finding things tough - he’d want to give them a hug, and then give me one too. But I know he’d be proud that we’re still finding joy and laughter in life."
NinaMatthew's Wife
A Legacy of Strength and Love
Nina ensures Matthew remains a central part of their lives. “We make time to talk about him,” she shared. “I think he’d be happy about how supportive our friends and family have been. He’d be touched by how much they miss him and how often they talk about him.”
Nina’s experience underscores the transformative power of anticipatory grief counselling. For families living with incurable cancer, the support provided by organisations like the Ruth Strauss Foundation offers invaluable tools to navigate emotional, practical, and logistical challenges. Even in the face of profound diversity, it shows how families can find resilience, meaning, hope, and strength.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is anticipatory grief counselling, and how is it different from traditional grief counselling?
Anticipatory grief counselling helps individuals and families cope with the emotional and practical challenges that arise before the death of a loved one. Unlike traditional grief counselling, which occurs after death, this type of counselling focuses on preparing emotionally, addressing fears, and fostering resilience during the period leading up to dying.
How can anticipatory grief counselling help children during a parent’s incurable cancer?
Anticipatory grief counselling equips parents with tools and strategies to support their children through the process. It provides guidance on age-appropriate communication, managing uncertainty, and helping children express emotions healthily. Additionally, a variety of downloadable resources is available here to help navigate these challenging conversations with your children effectively.
Where can families find anticipatory grief counselling services?
Families can access anticipatory grief counselling through organisations like the Ruth Strauss Foundation, or counselling centres specialising in grief. RSF offers group sessions, online support, and 1:1 counselling tailored to individual needs for free. Find out more about the available support here.
