Support for One of Life’s Toughest Talks
When a parent is facing an incurable cancer, talking to children about it may feel impossible – yet it’s one of the most important steps you’ll ever take. At the Ruth Strauss Foundation, we understand how hard it is to process what’s happening while trying to protect and support your children. Through our Family Support Service, we help parents have the most important conversations of their lives – with honesty, care and courage. From that first difficult talk to making practical plans, we’re here to support families living with incurable cancer every step of the way.
Understanding Pre-Bereavement and Anticipatory Grief
Pre-bereavement refers to the time between a loved one’s diagnosis of an incurable illness and their eventual death. During this period, families often experience what’s known as anticipatory grief – a complex mix of emotions such as sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, fear, and even moments of peace.
These two concepts are closely connected. Pre-bereavement support helps families recognise and respond to anticipatory grief. It creates space for open conversations, strengthens emotional resilience, and encourages meaningful connection during an incredibly difficult time.
Partners, children, and close family members all feel the impact. That’s why pre-bereavement support matters, as it offers emotional guidance, practical tools and preparation for what lies ahead.
”When it was time to talk to our eldest about Matthew’s prognosis, we used a Ruth Strauss Foundation conversation guide that balanced clarity, facts and emotion. While it was one of the hardest conversations we’ve ever had, it went as well as it could have.”
NinaWhose husband Matthew was diagnosed with incurable bile duct cancer
Common Challenges
What We Hear From Parents
- “How do we even begin to tell the children?”
- “What if I make them too sad or scared?”
- “I don’t know how much to say – or when.”
- “I want to protect them, but they can sense something’s wrong.”
- “We’ve never talked about death before.”
Many parents struggle with talking to children about incurable cancer, worrying it might scare them or make things worse. All of this is normal. You’re not alone in feeling unsure. With guidance and support, you can find the approach that feels right for your family.
Why Talking to Children About Your Incurable Cancer Might Help
Many parents want to protect their children from the pain of what’s happening. But avoiding the topic of incurable illness can create more fear and confusion.
”"Research shows that talking to children about death honestly helps them feel safer and more secure. When children are given clear, age-appropriate information about a parent’s illness and what’s ahead, they’re more likely to cope better in the long term. It builds trust and gives them the chance to say goodbye in a way that’s meaningful to them."
Deepa DoshiHead of Mission, Ruth Strauss Foundation
Children cope better when they know the truth:
- Being included helps them feel secure
- Understanding what’s coming reduces anxiety
- Saying goodbye helps them grieve
- Being prepared supports long-term emotional resilience
You don’t have to do this on your own. We’re here to help you find the words.
”I remember contacting RSF at 24 hours’ notice before Simona was due for a major operation. I was completely overwhelmed and needed to explain to the girls what was happening without completely terrifying them. Within an hour, I had an email back with guidance on how to approach the conversation. It was all incredibly practical and realistic."
WillFather to Sophie and Florence. His wife, Simona, was diagnosed with incurable stage IV bowel cancer
What can you do?
Supporting Yourself While Supporting Your Family
If you’re the parent living with incurable cancer:
- Let yourself feel what you feel – there’s no “right” way to do this. Some days will be heavy, others might feel strangely normal. All of it is valid.
- Ask for support to talk to your children. You don’t have to do it alone.
- Focus on connection – even small, ordinary moments can leave lasting memories for your children. A shared laugh. A story. A quiet hug.
- Be kind to yourself – you’re facing something incredibly hard, and you’re doing your best. That’s enough.
- Take time for you – whether it’s a short walk, a chat with a friend, or just sitting quietly, your wellbeing matters.
- Know that your love and presence are what your children need most. You don’t have to have all the answers.
If you are a partner or co-parent:
- You don’t have to carry this on your own – even if it feels like you need to stay strong for everyone else. You’re grieving too, and your emotions matter.
- Talk to someone you trust – a friend, a professional, someone who will listen without judgement. Sharing what you’re going through can help release the pressure.
- Join our support group for parents – you’ll find others who get it, people navigating the same fears, pressures and love. It’s a place where you don’t have to explain everything, or pretend to be okay.
- Begin making practical plans – not just for the future, but for now. Small routines, memory boxes, writing letters or recording messages can give everyone a sense of purpose and control when so much feels uncertain.
- Make space for your own needs – whether it’s sleep, movement, or simply taking a break. Looking after yourself helps you look after your family.
”The Ruth Strauss Foundation became a crucial part of our support system. We discussed how to handle conversations with our children and received invaluable guidance on navigating the emotional landscape of Alan's illness.”
EllenMother of Henry and Alex. Her husband, Alan, was diagnosed with a brain tumour
Let’s have a conversation
How to Start Talking to Children About What’s Happening
Children of all ages need open, age-appropriate communication. It’s not about having the perfect script – it’s about being truthful and present:
- Use clear, honest words – say things like: “Mum’s illness can’t be cured.”
- Reassure them it’s not their fault and they will always be loved and cared for.
- Let them see your emotions – hiding your feelings can make them think they need to hide theirs too. Showing your sadness helps children understand that all feelings are valid and creates space to support each other.
- Normalise their emotional “puddle jumping” – children often move quickly between sadness and play. This is a healthy and natural way for them to process big feelings in small, manageable doses. Let them know it’s okay to feel all kinds of emotions and that it’s normal for those feelings to come and go.
- Keep the conversation going – regular, open chats help children feel included and safe.
”Ruth said something about ‘doing death well’, and that’s what Laura did too. The Ruth Strauss Foundation has made a massive difference to us in the worst situation. I see how amazing the support has been as the boys grow up, and it is something I will always be grateful for.”
JimFather to two boys. His wife, Laura, was diagnosed with incurable bowel cancer
Free resources
Free Tools to Help You Talk to Children
We’ve created two free resources that can make these conversations easier. You can order them for free and have them delivered to your door:
We’re here to help
What We Offer Through Our Family Support Service
We know how overwhelming it can feel when you’re living with incurable cancer and trying to support your children at the same time. You may not know where to start, or how to begin those difficult conversations about what’s ahead. That’s where our Family Support Service (FSS) comes in.
”“You’ll be supported every step of the way – with practical tools, expert advice and someone to talk to. We know how overwhelming it can be trying to explain something so big to your children. That’s why we offer calm, compassionate guidance that’s tailored to you and your family."
Kate WellsFamily Support Service Lead
We support families across the UK who have children and young people up to the age of 25 – because children aren’t just little ones. They can be teens, students, or young adults still finding their feet. Every family looks different, and we tailor our support to what you need, when you need it.
Whether you’re facing a new diagnosis, preparing for end of life, or navigating anticipatory grief together, we’re here to help. Through our Family Support Service (FSS), we provide:
- One-to-one guidance for parents, partners and carers.
- Age-appropriate advice and emotional support.
- Conversation templates to help talk to children.
- Online peer support groups for parents.
- Follow-up counselling, if needed.
- Advice for healthcare professionals working with families.
- Practical tips and ideas for creating lasting memories.
”I had a point of contact, which I didn’t always need, but I knew it was there. I had so much guidance from my private sessions, even just telling me ‘You’re doing a great job’ – allowed me to do my best. I’ll be forever grateful.”
HarrietMother of Thomas & Lulu. Her husband, Rob, was diagnosed with incurable stage IV lung cancer
Reach out
We’re Here to Help
If you’re facing the unimaginable, you don’t have to go through it alone. We’re here to help you with talking to children about your incurable cancer diagnosis and anything related to it.
Don’t wait until you’re in crisis. The earlier you access support, the better equipped you’ll be to manage difficult conversations, protect your emotional wellbeing, and help your children feel secure and supported.
Our team is made up of registered counsellors and trained professionals with backgrounds in palliative care and child psychology.
