After You Tell Your Children: Common Questions About Support, Emotions and Change

After the First Conversations

Supporting Your Children Through Change

Question:

How do I prepare my children so that we can make the most of the time we have?

Once you have told your children about your cancer, it can help to keep talking about it from time to time. If it is never mentioned again, children may feel that it is something they should not bring up either. This can leave them holding worries or questions on their own. 

Reassure them that they can talk to you about anything, at any time. 

It is also important for them to know that emotions are allowed. Some parents try to hide their feelings to protect their children, but seeing you upset can help them understand that it is okay for them to feel upset too. It can be helpful to describe how you are feeling, and why you feel that way. You can ask them if they feel that way too sometimes. 

Children may not always want to talk to you directly. It can help to think together about who else they could turn to, such as: 

• a relative 
• a teacher 
• a family friend 
• a counsellor or support worker 

Some children may also benefit from peer support or professional support. 

Keeping familiar routines and boundaries where possible can help children continue to feel safe, even when other things are changing. 

Question:

My teenage daughter stays in her room and doesn’t want to spend time with me since I told her. How should I respond?

We all respond to difficult news in different ways, and it can sometimes feel confusing or upsetting when someone reacts differently to how we expected. 

It is common for teenagers to spend more time on their own or with friends. However, if this behaviour feels different from before, it may help to gently explore what might be behind it. 

Try to open up a conversation without pressure. If she does not want to talk to you, is there someone else she might feel more comfortable speaking to? 

Whatever her response, it is important that she continues to feel loved and supported, and that she knows you are there when she is ready. 

Question:

How do I get my children to engage in conversations about my cancer?

Some conversations may feel easier in more informal settings, such as:

• during a walk
• in the car
• while doing an activity together

These moments can feel less intense and create less pressure to talk directly.

Older children may find it difficult to talk openly about their feelings. It can help to explain why talking can support their wellbeing, while also exploring other ways they might express themselves, such as:

• exercise
• spending time with friends
• music or creative activities
• writing or journalling

It can also help to identify another trusted adult they could speak to if they do not want to talk to you directly.

Younger children often respond better through play or activity. Drawing, storytelling, books, or tools such as the RSF flashcards or ‘This Is About Me & You’ workbook can help open up conversations about cancer and emotions.

If they do not want to talk openly, you could suggest writing questions down and placing them in a special box, which you can respond to later.

Question:

How do I respond to changes in my child’s behaviour or emotions?

Changes in behaviour are often a way for children to express what they are feeling. 

Some children may become quieter, more withdrawn, angry, clingy, or emotional. Others may appear unaffected at times. 

If you are concerned, try to acknowledge what you are noticing and gently open a conversation. This can help you understand what may be going on for them and how best to support them. 

You may also find it helpful to explore support through: 

• their school 
• your GP 
• counselling services 
• specialist charities or support organisations 

Some families also seek peer support or private counselling support for children and teenagers. 

Question:

My children think their parent is going to get better. How do I explain that this is not going to happen?

Start by asking what they understand about the situation. This can help you recognise where misunderstandings may be. 

If they believe that things are going to get better, it is important to gently explain the reality in a way that matches their age and understanding. 

Where possible, you can reassure them that the doctors are doing everything they can to keep their parent well for as long as possible. 

Children may need time to process this information and may return to the same questions more than once. 

Question:

How do I explain death to my young child?

It is important to use simple, clear language such as ‘death’ and ‘dying’, rather than phrases like ‘going to sleep’. 

If your child has experienced the death of a pet or another family member, this can sometimes help as a starting point. 

You might explain that when someone dies, their body stops working and they cannot come back. 

Young children often need information repeated more than once as they begin to understand what death means over time. 

Storybooks and practical resources can also help younger children understand these ideas in a way that feels more accessible and less frightening. You can explore the Ruth Strauss Foundation’s family resources page, including the Little C Club x RSF Flashcards and ‘This Is About Me & You’ workbook, for additional support.

Question:

I’m worried about how my child will cope in the future. What can I do now?

Helping children feel able to talk about their emotions can support them both now and in the future. 

If children experience open communication and emotional support while you are alive, it can help them develop ways to process grief later on. 

It can also help to talk together about who will continue to support them in the future, and to remind them of the people around them who love and care for them. 

Some families choose to: 

• create memory boxes 
• write letters or cards for the future 
• record messages or stories 
• celebrate important moments together 
• keep everyday routines as normal as possible 

Others may not feel emotionally or physically able to do these things, and that is okay too. 

There is no right or wrong approach. What matters most is doing what feels right for you and your family. 

Question:

Should my children be there when I die?

There is no right or wrong answer. 

This will depend on your child, your family, and the situation at the time. 

Some children want to be present, while others may not. What matters most is that they feel safe, supported, and cared for. 

If possible, it can help to prepare them gently for what they may see or experience, and to make sure there is another trusted adult there to support them. Let them know they can change their mind at any time, this is ok. Finding them a safe space to be near their parent, but not necessarily in the room can be helpful for them to feel included.

Question:

Should my children go to my funeral?

Many children find it helpful to be included, but it should always be their choice. 

Explain what will happen in simple terms and allow them to decide how involved they would like to be. 

Some children may want to attend the whole funeral, while others may prefer to take part in a smaller or more personal way. 

They may also choose other ways to say goodbye that feel right for them. For example they can place something special like a card, letter, or teddy, in the coffin or on top, whether they attend or not.  

Question:

My child doesn’t want to attend the funeral. How do I support them?

It is important to respect your child’s wishes, while helping them understand what a funeral is and what it means. 

You can gently explain what will happen and offer choices about how they might want to be involved. 

Some children may prefer to attend only part of the funeral, while others may want to say goodbye in a different way. Many families organise a memorial service a few months later or hold a special event on the persons’ birthday or anniversary of their death. You can invite children to be part of organising these by choosing music, pictures, guests, and so on.  

Reassure them that there is no “correct” decision about going to a funeral or not, and that they will not be judged for their decision.