Before You Tell Your Children: Common Questions About Incurable Cancer

Starting the Conversation

Talking to Your Children About Incurable Cancer

Question:

I don’t want to tell my children I have an incurable cancer but my partner does. What should I do?

You may be carrying the reality of your diagnosis while also trying to protect your children from it. Not wanting to have this conversation is completely understandable.

What might help you in deciding is knowing that research shows children often cope better when they are included in what is happening.

Children can pick up on changes in mood or environment, notice changes in how their parent looks, overhear conversations, or be told something by others.

If children aren’t told, they may imagine something else is happening, or that it is their fault.

If parents don’t talk to their children, it can stop them feeling able to ask questions.

It can help to take time to talk this through with someone you trust, or with our Family Support Service, and find an approach that feels right for your family.

Question:

My children know that I am ill but not that I have cancer. Do I need to tell them more?

It can feel difficult to know how much to share, especially when you are trying to protect your children while also coming to terms with your own situation.

Research shows that children cope better when they understand what is happening.

Even if they are not told directly, they often pick up on changes or hear information somewhere else.

Telling them, in a clear and age-appropriate way, that it is cancer can help them feel included and reduce confusion or worry.

Question:

My partner has an incurable cancer but is in denial. I don’t know how I can prepare our children for his death when he won’t even talk about it. 

It is important that you both agree what to say to the children. 

If your partner doesn’t want to tell them, it may help to gently share why you feel it would support the children. 

You could explore together what he feels comfortable for them to know, and whether he would prefer you to lead the conversation. 

It is often best if he is present when the children are told, but it is also important to respect his wishes. 

Question:

My partner is focusing on staying positive and isn’t prepared to talk to our children in case things deteriorate. What should I do? 

It is important that you both can share what you think and feel about what to tell the children. 

You could explore together what each of you feels comfortable sharing with them, now and if things change. 

These conversations can take time, and it may help to return to them more than once. 

Question:

What should I say to my children when I tell them I have an incurable cancer? 

Talking to your children about this is deeply personal, and there is no single “right” way to approach this conversation. 

It can help to focus on being clear, honest and age-appropriate. Children do not need long explanations, they need information they can understand and space to respond in their own way. 

It can be helpful to think in terms of three key messages:

• What is happening
• What it means
• What will stay the same

You might explain that the doctors have been trying to treat the cancer but it is not getting better. Then gently explain what this means for your health, using real words. 

Reassure them about what will stay the same – who is there to care for them, what daily life will look like, and that they are loved and supported.

Try not to give too much information at once. Children often understand things in stages and may come back with questions later. It is okay not to have all the answers immediately. 

It can also help to let them see that emotions are allowed. You might feel sad, and they might too, or they may not react in the way you expect. All of these responses are normal. 

What matters most is that they feel they can come back to you, or another adult in their life, to ask questions, and share how they are feeling.

Question:

How much information should I give them? 

This will depend on your child, their age, and how they tend to respond to information. 

It is often better to give information in small chunks rather than all at once, allowing them time to take things in and come back with questions. 

Follow their lead, some children will want more detail, while others may prefer just the basics at first. 

What matters most is that the information is honest, clear and appropriate for their level of understanding, and that they know they can come back to you at any time. 

Question:

How do I tell my children that I’m dying? 

There is no easy way to have this conversation, but there are ways to approach it that can help your children understand and feel supported. 

Think in advance about where and when you plan to have the conversation. If your family normally shares news in a particular place, it can help to do it there. 

Consider the timing carefully. It is usually better not to do it just before school or bedtime. Choose a time when you can stay together and answer questions. A Saturday morning can often work well. 

It is important that you feel comfortable with what you are going to say. 

Use simple language and give only a small amount of information at a time. For example, use the word ‘die’ rather than ‘pass away’. 

Start by checking what your children already know and understand. 

You might begin by saying that you have had some tests or new information from the doctors. 

Then explain that the doctors have told you that the treatment is no longer working. This means that you are going to die. You may not know when this will happen, but it might be soon. 

This may be enough information for them to take in at that moment. Gauge their reaction to understand whether they are ready for more. 

Check that they have understood what you have said. 

Ask if they have any questions. Children often need time to process what they have heard. Do not be surprised if they ask to watch TV or go to their room. 

Reassure them about the people who love them and who will be there to support them. 

You can come back to the conversation later, checking in gently and giving them space to ask questions as they begin to take things in. 

Question:

How much should I tell children of different ages about my incurable cancer?

If you have children of different ages, it can help to start by telling them together so they know they have the same information. 

You can then give more detail to an older child afterwards. 

Even very young children can pick up that something is wrong. Try to keep routines and help them feel loved and secure. 

For older children and teenagers, there is no single right way to approach how much you tell them. You can give your child some control over how much information they receive. For example, you might say that you have an update about your health and ask how much detail they would like to know.

Some children may also want to look things up themselves. If they do, it can help to guide them to trusted sources of information, like the Cancer Research UK or Marie Curie websites.

Others feel more comfortable explaining that the doctors are doing what they can and that they do not know more than that yet. Reassure them that you will tell them if things change. 

Question:

How do I handle difficult conversations like ‘are you going to die?’

These questions can be very direct and can feel difficult to answer in the moment. 

How you respond will depend on your situation and what feels right for you. 

Some people answer by saying something like: “The doctors are doing everything they can, but it might be that I won’t live for much longer.” 

Others may choose to be more direct: “Yes, the doctors have told me that I am going to die soon.” 

If it is uncertain when this may happen, you could say: “At the moment I am having treatment to keep me well. If anything changes, I will tell you.” 

What matters most is that your child feels you are being honest and that they can come back to you with questions. You do not need to have all the answers in that moment.